And 19 other tips to prevent the relationship from smoking during the renovation.
This case is from 2012, but reappeared for the benefit of new and old readers.
Home improvement can be devastating to your cohabitation. Here’s the advice of experts to make the relationship last longer than the wallpaper.
More and more people want to put their own personal grip in the home. And then it is often an extensive renovation project that may be needed.
One thing is if the budget is the biggest concern, but for those who piss up in the duo, there’s a great chance that your life can withstand a noise.
Here we give you the advice of experts for you in a relationship that plans to throw you in the renovation.
Remodeling can challenge the balance of power
Gestalt and family therapist Trygve Aase explains to Bonytt. No that renovation projects will be a burden for most, especially after a while.
– In a refurbishment project, the couple is often placed in a stressed situation. Many have not taken part in it before, others are tired before they start, money is pouring out, mess and chaos take the house, elections are to be made and consequences of elections must be lived with.
– Often doing one thing and tasks one has no competence, and the balance of power and interaction dynamics in the relationship are challenged. Underlying disagreement, values and possible conflicts that the couple in normal silences have the ability to handle can now be threatening.
Becomes ongoing or elusive
Advice that the relationship will last longer than the wallpaper
1. Both do not have to have their fingers in total, benefiting from what you are good at. Why should the man be picking out curtains when it is the same for him and you decide anyway?
2. Do not brush up when planning children, are pregnant or have little children-focus on what is most important in life and wait for the refurbishment afterwards. For those who are good at planning – kiss up before you get pregnant!
3. Do not go to the purchase of domestic animals just before moving or in the middle of a refurbishment-it stresses expensive and you. Dogs are also a very big care task.
4. Make the renovation fun on music and share a bottle of wine while painting or inviting with friends and buying a box of beer.
5. When you’re tired and do not get anymore and it’s the eternal lists that remain – set of a weekend a bit ahead of time and invite with help and get it away. Otherwise, you can argue about the lists the next 10 years to move you (because of a breach of business)
6. If you have children or not enough money for the whole renovation, take one and one room, or all the floors, or all the windows, feel good to be completely done with something.
7. Get ready first before you get into the garden. It will look awful after the refurbishment anyway and one project at a time is wise
8. Are you very disagreeable whether something should be done or not; make a bet with what you want made as a bet or throw a crown and coin and finish it. Then you have a good story at least if the gloss level of the lists was incorrect.
9. Remember to enjoy yourself in life. Do you have the time and afford to cook up, do you also have time and advice for a cinema, dinner out or an evening tour in new and new.
10. Remember to have sex in every room in the house. It can speed up the renovation.
11. Order take away
12. Have you advised, let others mess up for you. Why do you do death and life yourself if it is not necessary? How much manners do men really become of a team Lady in his hand and a grinning nerd on his neck?
Source: Psychologist Vanja Hjelmseth at the Department of Psychological Consultancy in Bergen (IPR).
Vanja Hjelmseth is a psychologist at the Department of Psychological Consultancy in Bergen (IPR).
She emphasizes that refurbishment is a challenge for relationships similar to other activities that require collaboration (two other “favorites” are childcare and holiday travel).
Hjelmseth, who works with Emotional Focused Party Therapy (EFT-C), emphasizes that the responses can simply be divided into either being ongoing or evasive towards the partner.
– When we find that our partner does not meet our emotional needs, these strategies will be activated and may develop into negative ground scenes or evil circles.
What bad circle do you belong to?
The psychologist further explains that you can divide relationships after three main background scenes or evil circles:
– Relationships under pattern number 1 will often have more long-term conflicts that are reinforced by the more the insistence insists, the more it will evade.
Hjelmseth emphasizes that this can cause one partner to feel alone about the responsibility and execution of a project and blame the other or try to pushe the other to take responsibility.
– While pairs with pattern number 2 are often those who both want ten fingers in the refurbishment from beginning to end and who have strong opinions about the most and the small will / ability to give up.
According to Hjelmseth, this “group” often creates the most loud conflicts, characterized by high temperature but often relatively short-lived arguments.
The 3rd. the basic scene will most likely never be able to plan or carry out a refurbishment project and, according to the psychologist, does not seem to be cheap.
Refurbishment can stir up needs
Hjelmseth points out that the main point here is that when we brush up or do other projects that challenge the relationship, it would like to activate the dynamics in a relationship so that our undesired needs are more and more exposed to the surface and are often perceived as reinforced.
The refurbishment can thus touch some of our more vulnerable feelings and needs, which is difficult to convey directly: “I need a hug” instead of “you never do anything for me” or “Now I need to go on training a couple of hours’ instead of ‘I’m so tired of all the hassle’, for example.
– Most couples resist disagreement and argue about some things, but it complicates more if there is an unfortunate dynamism in the relationship.
Not only negative
The psychologist emphasizes that in some cases, the refurbishment may be a catalyst for a break that would happen anyway, but at a later date.
– On the other hand, a refurbishment process, if it is to be interpreted positively, provides good opportunities for observing dynamics in the relationship and grabbing and changing this.
– To quote my father-in-law told me 12 years ago: If the relationship is over the wallpaper of the living room, I give you quite good odds, “Hjelmseth concludes..
Make a plan and more tips
Gestaltterapaut Aase has the following advice for you in a relationship that considers refurbishment – or maybe already in the middle of a project.
1. Realize that the refurbishment project could inflict stress on the relationship, develop communication skills about this.
2. Talk about danger laces for wear.
3. Do not do it yourself, it may be smart to ask for / buy help.
4. Get done, do not have half-finished projects.
5. Make a plan, agree on the plans, the ambitions, and implement it
6. When it turns out, remember to remind each other why you’re kidding that (hopefully) is just for you to be even better together.
7. Remember, it’s temporary, it’s voluntary, and it’s over
8. Travel on vacation – get professional craftsmen to do it.
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